So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
