fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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