dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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