you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
