The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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