I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
