Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
