He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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