thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
