I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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