there's paper in my vomit.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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