my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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