Im at strip club and am horny
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
