I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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