i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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