Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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