Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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