This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
