wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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