I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
