uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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