you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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