Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
