I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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