My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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