I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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