ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
