Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize