Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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