I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think my moral compass just broke
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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