A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
