I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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