do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
