When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
