i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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