the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
