bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
