pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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