Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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