woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
