I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
