Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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