The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
