I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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