Will you blow on my dice?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's blow job season.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
