90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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