My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
