How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
