apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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