dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
