So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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