if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
