Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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