I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
