I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
