Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I want to be your penis for a week.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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