i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
