so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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