I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
