he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
