2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
They took my balls.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
