you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
