Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize