I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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